Thursday, February 09, 2006

Poo Whispers

WARNING: This is gross.

Ok, so at my job I have to use a public restroom everyday. It's got two urinals, one stall, and two sinks. I've noticed an odd habit or phenomenon that was sort of unsettling, and I wonder if it is a universal.

When you're at one of the sinks or the urinal, and somebody blows by to the stall to drop the kids off, do you ever sort of cringe in anticipation of the sound? Like when somebody is firing a gun and they're taking a while to get the shot lined up, so you don't know exactly when the shot is going to go off. Or when you're lighting a firecracker and you don't know when it's going to pop. Well, I've found that I can't help but listen for the moment of delivery. I mean, if I can get out of there in time, I definitely do. But if I'm stuck at the upright or have just begun to wash my hands, I am forced to endure whatever sort of aural assault is soon to come.

And then, do you ever pass judgment on the person for what you hear next? You know how your brain kinda automatically does that all the time? Yeah. And there are many different types of sound, so there are many different judgments to make.

I hate the parts of my brain I can't switch off.


frak said...

I take it that this happened to you on more than one occasion. I generally try to avoid the situation And I am lucky enough to have a bathroom at work where the toilet is its own little closet/room type-thing.

Normally I don’t enjoy this form of humor, but the within this subject it is actually surprisingly suiting. You may have read this already, maybe not.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office:

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARs. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARs that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Can spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

such a gross e-mail >: P

Ryan said...


I mean that's not funny.

eef said...

Dude, I do that. I even do it to myself. And people that use my bathroom at my house. I try to tell myself not to listen for the pee- but I always do. I feel so revealed.

Ryan said...

Thanks for sharing eef. Now the healing can begin.

Let us find our Heart Chambers.